Bite Back?

Part 2: A Parenting Follow-Up

Historically, whenever THE DAYCARE shows up on my caller ID, it means one of two things: either my son has been injured at school, or he’s gotten sick. For example, just this past Monday I got a call that he’d fallen on the playground and bit into his tongue. So when the phone rang today, I braced myself—just praying it wasn’t anything life-threatening or life-altering.

After we got the pleasantries out of the way, the co-director said, “[My son] bit one of our friends.” In my head I thought, I know she didn’t just say what I think she said. This is literally the thing I just wrote about—that it’s OK to defend yourself, but not OK to be the aggressor.

After the call, I told my husband what had happened. Honestly, I don’t remember what he said because I was zoned out and processing how to handle it. I knew what my upbringing would say to do—but I wanted to be intentional. This wasn’t about me being embarrassed. I wanted my son to understand what he did was wrong, and why it was unacceptable.

I immediately called the school back and asked to speak to my child. I remember my husband asking why I wanted to do that, and I explained that I wanted to catch him while it was still fresh vs waiting for him to get home. He didn’t agree, which is 100% allowed. We’re partners in parenting, but that doesn’t mean we always have the same approach. Since so much of parenting happens in the moment, we do our best to back each other up and sort out the strategy afterward.

The school called me back with my son on the phone—on speaker, of course. I asked him a few questions to assess whether he understood the situation and why it wasn’t allowed. (Although he’s super intelligent, I know emotionally, he can very much be a 3-year-old at times.) Once he articulated what had transpired, I reminded him of the same thing we said when Alex bit him: “We keep our mouths to ourselves.”

By this time, I was strapping the baby into the car seat and heading to the school because I believe the same energy I had when my son was attacked is the energy I owe when he’s the one in the wrong. The whole drive there, I was in my head—wrestling with how best to approach the situation. My husband came with me, but I was quiet. Do I discipline? Do I stay calm? Be stern?

When we arrived, I still didn’t have it all figured out. My son ran to greet me as I walked in, and I met him with the same warmth. Home is still a safe place—but we’re going to address what needs to be addressed.

I asked the teacher if he had apologized, and she said he did. Still, I had him go apologize again—just to make sure. Once we got home, I sat him on the stool in the kitchen and explained that I was disappointed he used his mouth to hurt someone. Yes, Alex fully deserved to be bit (IYKYK), but that doesn’t make it right. That’s not a habit I want to condone or see repeated.

I explained that mouths are yucky—they carry germs—and biting hurts others. That’s why we, say it with me, “KEEP OUR MOUTHS TO OURSELVES!” After our talk, and much to my own surprise, I told him I loved him and asked him not to do it again.

Wow. My parents would have never. And I don’t say that to shame them, but to acknowledge the growth in choosing not to default to what was modeled for me. Don’t get it twisted—if discipline is needed, it will happen. But since we didn’t witness the moment ourselves, and given his level of understanding, I think this approach helped him make a better choice next time. I didn’t just inflict pain because I was upset or couldn’t manage my own big emotions. Without much thought, I was in essence modeling what I wanted him to do — use his words.

I’m still learning as he’s growing. But I think this was the right response—for this child, in this situation.

Only time will tell.